He self-consciously drops British slang like a Brooklyn hipster of old, but it rarely goes down like a 2008 Merlot. He called himself a social influencer in casual conversation then deleted it from his Instagram profile when called out. He says things like ‘he votes with his dollars’ and has the temerity to write a column called the same. You see he’s into buying things, but the word ‘shopping’ is just to feminine for someone of his otherwise masculine sensibilities. When not visiting and writing about visits to wineries he nurtures an interest in vintage European cars. Porsche being the top of the list. Naturally.
He slowly starts to realize Los Angeles is nothing at all like New York. No one cares what he’s wearing because he didn’t buy it at Maxfields. And on that score he doesn’t understand the concept of a store that doesn’t have an online shop. He’s now starting to discover the novels of Bret Easton Ellis and when he finishes them in a few months he will speak as though he has ruminated on them for years. Around this time he will model his tweets and instagram posts on the laconic dialogue of his favorite characters sadly at the expense of the recently discovered British slang.
He hasn’t discovered the aspiration appeal of Asprey and still raves about Hermes, but when he does come around, and this goes for any number of lifestyle brands, he will spend several hours furiously studying them and then a lifetime expounding on them as though born to it.
He likes to foster an air of being carefree and cultured, however, there is a snipey defensiveness that suggests that any cultivation has been bought and then on the cheap. He favors bold broad claims on superficial subjects like the best Pizzeria in New York, or the best casual sneaker so, naturally, the defensiveness is forced out quite a lot. He ends a lot of statements with the word period as though it somehow enhanced the substance of the underlying claim. He will even follow one sentence with another that includes only the singular word period. Again, for emphasis.
Immersing himself in the superficial ephemera of social status and lifestyle brands it secretly saddens him that no one takes him seriously as a man of serious learning and substance.
He freely admits that he had absolutely no interest in mens clothes before watching Mad Men but the knowledge he has amassed since having his interest piqued is as expansive and exhaustive as anyone’s, and again a level of snipey defensiveness must be forgiven if one questions such newly acquired erudition, because he has, as he will no doubt remind you, and has had for quite some time, a 'flat' in the Tenderloin.
He compiles lists of essentials and must haves and grails. The latter being a reference to Holy Grail or presumably something with sufficient self-ascribed rarity and merit to warrant the moniker. These are things that people of taste and sophistication aspire to, or should aspire to if they want the recognition and appreciation of their fellow status-conscioneers.
Whenever he discovers a new word, particularly one of British origin, he employs it with dizzying regularity and almost to the exclusion of the other roughly one million words in the English language, until he discovers a new word and the cycle repeats itself, or he discovers a new obscure English shoemaker and the cycle hibernates in favor of fostering an illusion of having known of said obscure English shoemaker for far longer than he really has.
You see he doesn’t like fashion. He likes clothes. Fashion is for homosexuals and the artistic type. Clothes are for bros that went to Ivys that want to look fresh. To this end he has a decided preference for the traditional. Heritage is his byword. Nigel Cabourn is his God. It’s as expensive as genuine designer clothes and has pretensions of quality that they presumably lack. He might wear Margeila if it weren’t so obvious you were wearing Margeila.
Hailing from Williamsburg via Cincinnati he will regale you with stories of fly fishing as though he grew up along the rivers of Montana. In reality, he’s been on two guided tours of West Yellowstone and paid very close attention to what other people around him were saying and repeats it endlessly as though it happened to himself.
His appearance at parties, well, we will get to that at some point.
